Backtalk is the bane of every parent’s existence. It makes us feel disrespected and untrustworthy. Because we most often know what’s best for our child, backtalk is that reminder that tells us — you’re still not in complete control. It shows us that our children have desires, struggles, and opinions. At the end of the day, they will still make their choices, and to some parents, that feels scary.
Before we explore solutions to this issue, let’s first understand why kids backtalk. It’s not always a negative behavior, and rather than reacting harshly, we can view it as an opportunity for a teachable moment.
Why do kids talk back?
As parents, it’s easy to forget that our children are individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. While we set the rules in the house, that doesn’t mean we should stifle their ability to express their opinions. Too often, parents use their authority to silence their child’s voice, and this can be harmful. Over time, it can limit their ability to think critically and independently. In a world that needs more free thinkers—people who can reason and question authority when it’s wrong—it’s important to encourage their voices. After all, do we want our children to simply follow the loudest voice, or do we want them to stand up for what’s right?
The challenge, however, is that kids often backtalk because they don’t yet know how to filter their opinions properly. During their adolescence, their emotional maturity is still developing, which means they tend to argue from a place of selfishness. For example, when you tell them it’s time for bed, their response might be:
“But I want to stay up later! That’s not fair!”
Instead of saying,
“Okay, Mom. You’re right. I should go to bed.”
But let’s be honest, that level of maturity is unrealistic, right? Kids often don’t understand what they need—they only know what they want. This is where we, as parents, step in. They need guidance on how to express their opinions respectfully, and it’s our job to show them how to do this. Instead of shutting down their ability to question us, we should teach them how to do so in a productive, respectful way. This approach not only helps them navigate their feelings but also models how to express themselves lovingly.
Backtalk solutions made simple
So how can parents teach their children that it’s okay to think for themselves, question things to gain a better understanding, and do it in a respectful and kind way? Ultimately, that’s what we want for our kids as they navigate the world. We want them to stand up for what’s right and not follow the crowd blindly.
But we also want them to respect authority.
The key here is balance. We want to create an environment where kids feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and questioning what doesn’t make sense to them. But we also want them to understand the importance of being respectful, especially when interacting with authority figures. So how can we do this?
Let’s look at some responses to backtalk that teach both respect and independent thinking. These responses come from my own experiences and my faith, though I understand that not everyone shares the same perspective. Even so, I believe that the principles can be applied universally. Most parents want their children to be respectful to authority, while also being free thinkers who aren’t afraid to speak up for what’s right. One of my favorite quotes by Malcolm Muggeridge speaks to this balance perfectly:
Logical responses when your child talks back in a disrespectful way
“Do you want to try that again in a respectful way?”
If you’ve already set a respectful tone in your home, this simple question can help your child recognize immediately that their response was disrespectful. I believe in giving kids second chances, especially when they seem to be having a tough day. By asking this, you give them the opportunity to reflect on what they said and find a more respectful way to express themselves. This also allows them to recognize that their feelings are valid, but the way they communicate those feelings matters.
“I would appreciate you responding kindly first, then you may ask why.”
The word “obedience” often carries a negative connotation, especially in our culture. We tend to see authority as something oppressive, but in reality, obedience to authority can be good for the soul, especially when that authority has our best interests in mind. In our home, we believe in God, and He is our ultimate authority. As parents, our goal is to be ambassadors of God’s authority, not controlling figures who demand obedience for the sake of control.
I believe that God has entrusted me with my children, and with that comes a great responsibility to guide them toward what is right. As a parent, I try to make sure that the rules I set and the discipline I enforce are aligned with what is truly good for my children, not just based on my own desires or frustrations. When my child responds with backtalk, I try to approach the situation with a perspective of understanding and compassion, asking myself whether I’m asking something that is truly beneficial for them or if it’s more about what I want in the moment.
Me: “Hey, go brush your teeth. It’s time to be done watching the movie and get ready for bed.”
My son: “What?! But I want to finish the movie. There are just 10 minutes left!”
Me: “I would appreciate you responding kindly first, then you may ask why. Want to try again?”
My son: “Okay, Mom. Would it be okay if I first finished the movie before I go do that? There’s only a little bit left.”
If I recognize that my son’s reason is valid, I may reconsider and let him finish the movie. However, if there’s a bigger reason at play, like him having had a bad night’s sleep, I’ll explain that.
Me: “I’d love to let you finish, but the reality is, you didn’t sleep well last night, so the sooner you get in bed, the better.”
If his response is still disrespectful or if he continues questioning my reasoning, he knows there will be a consequence. At the end of the day, I’m still the parent. It’s my responsibility to teach him what is right and wrong, and this is where many parents give in. They back off, but when you do that, kids start thinking they’re the ones who make the rules. It’s important to hold firm and ensure they understand that authority is there for their own good.
Choose your and their momentary discomfort over convenience
I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of choosing convenience over discomfort in parenting. Sometimes, it’s just easier to give in, but is that what’s truly best for my kids? No, they need structure. If they were allowed to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, not only would they think life would always go their way, but they’d also learn to treat others with unkindness and disrespect.
There’s a balance to everything. While we want to extend grace to our children because we love them, sometimes they need a firm hand. Love isn’t just about warm feelings and giving them everything they want. Loving them also means disciplining them so they can learn important life lessons.
But what is discipline? Discipline isn’t just about correction—it’s about teaching, guiding, and gently pointing your child toward truth. It’s focusing on the heart, not just the behavior, and it’s about connecting with them before correcting them.
I’m active in a lot of parenting forums, and I came across a thread where a woman asked, “I can’t get my 10-year-old to stop playing video games. It’s all he wants to do all day. What do I do?”
My first thought was, “Who’s the parent here? Just tell him NO.”
This is where I would challenge this parent to ask themselves: Is playing video games all day what’s truly best for their son? Is that what he needs, or does he need an authority figure to step in and protect him from his own choices? Ultimately, because children aren’t yet capable of making decisions based on their needs, they tend to make decisions based on their desires. As parents, it’s our job to guide them and protect them from this.
Create moments with your kids for productive dialogue
I’ll never forget the conversation I had with my 10-year-old the other day.
Every now and then, we hold a little family meeting to discuss what’s going well and what could use some improvement—both on our end and the kids’. We also let our son share his thoughts on all of this. When I asked him what he thought was going well in our family, he said, “I’m happy you don’t just let me play video games all the time. I can tell how it makes me feel crabby if I play too much.” In that moment, I realized that even though he gets upset when I ask him to stop playing video games, he understands the benefits of it. It showed me that my authority is not just helpful in the present moment but also in shaping his future.
Can you imagine how hard his future relationship with a spouse might be if I let him do whatever he wanted, especially with video games? Not only would he face a wake-up call from his wife, but it could negatively impact their relationship due to his lack of self-control. Authority and discipline teach children how to exercise self-control.
However, if I withheld something he enjoyed because I feared he’d get addicted or it would negatively impact his life, he’d never learn how to enjoy things with balance. Once he left our home, he’d have no guidance on how to manage his interests responsibly.
Remember, you are the parent.
Our job as parents is to find this balance. That doesn’t mean we never take video games away when we see unhealthy habits forming; there’s a time and place for that. But we also use things like video games as teachable moments. The same goes for backtalk. We use those instances of disobedience to guide him on the right way to respond, instead of just sending him to his room because he talked back. That would address the behavior, not the heart issue. If we don’t understand and listen to the source—the heart, soul, and mind—we can’t address the symptoms properly.
The hope is that our responses will eventually turn disrespectful backtalk into productive conversations that benefit everyone. And sometimes, I have to apologize and admit I was wrong! I might have forgotten a promise I made or taken it back, and it’s important for me to own that. These moments only happen if I allow my child to be a free thinker, respectfully ask questions, but always obey first.
I hope this has been helpful. I know how frustrating it can be to break the cycle of unhealthy and disobedient backtalk. Be patient with your kids! If they’ve been used to responding disrespectfully, it can take time to change.
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Back-Pocket Phrases for Responding to Backtalk
“Do you want to try that again in a kind voice?”
“I’m okay with you questioning me, I’m not okay with how you did it. Try again in a kind voice.”
“That is my boundary. Next time you want something different, ask in a respectful way please.”
“That was not a kind response. How do you think you should have responded?
“I’m going to need a respectful response first, then you may say what you need to say.”
“I’m totally up for hearing your side of things. Can you try it in a kind voice?”
“I’m not your enemy and I would love to listen. Why don’t you take a break for a minute and we can revisit this when you feel better.”
“I need to think about it. Next time you want something different, please ask me in private.”
“This is a non-negotiation matter. Let’s discuss the “why” after we cool down a bit.”
“I hear you. Let’s talk about this when we’re both calm so we can solve this together.”
DIGITAL WELLNESS RESOURCES
- Bark Premium (Parental Control App): This app helps monitor content on your child’s phone, providing coverage for texts, emails, social media, and more. Use the code WFTBBLOG for an extra month free. It’s a great tool for parents who need more control over what their children access online.
- The Bark Phone: If you’re looking for a safe phone for your child, this option includes the phone, Bark Premium, and wireless service for $49/month. It allows parents to control which apps and features their child can access, making it suitable for both younger and older kids.
- Covenant Eyes (Computer Use): A tool for managing content on computers, Covenant Eyes helps filter inappropriate websites and provides screen accountability, ensuring your child stays safe online.
- Bark Home & VidAngel (TVs, Gaming Consoles, and At-Home Protection)
Bark Home: This tool helps manage screen time and filter websites on all internet-connected devices in your home, including gaming consoles and TVs.
VidAngel: Allows you to skip or mute inappropriate content on popular streaming platforms like Netflix and Hulu.
- Screen Time Checklist Printable: A free downloadable checklist to help manage your child’s screen time, which can be a great tool for parents looking to establish healthy boundaries around technology.
BOOK & JOURNALING FOR KIDS
- Parenting Book Recommendations
A curated list of books to help guide parents on their parenting journey.
- Kid’s Journals
Printable journals designed to help kids express their feelings, practice gratitude, and spark creativity. Perfect for children who are starting to write, draw, or color.
CHORES FOR KIDS
- Magnetized Chalk Chart for the Fridge: A fun and interactive way for kids to keep track of their chores. This tool helps kids stay on top of their tasks without constant reminders, fostering discipline and follow-through.
- Chore Chart Printable: A Mandalorian-themed chore chart that’s printable and designed to make chores more fun. It’s a simple way to implement structure and responsibility in your child’s daily routine.
EMOTIONAL CONNECTIVITY WITH YOUR KIDS
- Emotional Connection Game
A game designed to foster open, judgment-free communication between parents and children. It creates a safe space for kids to share their feelings and questions without the fear of consequences. This game helps deepen the emotional bond with your child.
- Exemption Time
A period where anything your child shares during the emotional connection game is off-limits for consequences, allowing them to speak freely and feel heard.
These resources are great for parents seeking to provide structure, safety, and emotional support in their children’s lives. Whether it’s managing screen time, teaching responsibility with chores, or connecting emotionally, you’re offering practical tools for nurturing well-rounded children.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, balancing technology use, emotional connection, and responsibility is key to effective parenting. The resources you’ve shared, such as the Bark Premium app for phone safety, the Bark Phone for controlled smartphone use, and tools like Covenant Eyes for computer monitoring, are invaluable for parents looking to ensure their children stay safe online while respecting healthy boundaries. Along with Bark Home and VidAngel for managing content at home, these tools help create a balanced digital environment for children.
In addition, journaling, interactive chore charts, and games to foster emotional connection provide parents with practical ways to nurture their child’s growth, responsibility, and emotional well-being. Using tools like the Magnetized Chalk Chart or Mandalorian Chore Chart can help make household tasks more engaging while teaching essential life skills.
Ultimately, the combination of these resources empowers parents to guide their children with love, structure, and discipline, fostering healthy habits and deeper emotional connections. By being proactive with technology and focusing on emotional well-being, parents can help their children grow into well-rounded, responsible individuals.
