STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE: HOW TO MAKE HERBAL LIQUID SOAP FROM SCRATCH

Making liquid soap from scratch once seemed daunting to me, but after trying it, I discovered it’s much simpler than it looks!

If you’ve already mastered cold process or hot process soap making, then crafting liquid soap is a natural next step.

This guide was originally part of my newest print book, The Big Book of Homemade Products for Your Skin, Health & Home. Unfortunately, due to space constraints, it didn’t make the final cut—so I’m sharing the tips and recipes here with you instead. Enjoy!

Liquid Soapmaking Tips

Before you dive into making liquid soap, here are a few key points to keep in mind.

YOU’LL NEED A DIFFERENT TYPE OF LYE:

One major difference between liquid soap and bar soap lies in the type of lye used.

Bar soap hardens thanks to sodium hydroxide (NaOH), which acts as the agent that turns oils into solid soap.

Liquid soap, on the other hand, is made by combining oils with potassium hydroxide (KOH). This type of lye is readily available from Etsy or online soap-making suppliers.

Keep in mind that potassium hydroxide purity levels can vary. My recipes are based on 90% purity, a common standard. If your bottle lists a different purity level, you can adjust your recipe using the Soapee calculator. Simply select Liquid Soap – using KOH and input the lye purity number in the first box.

CROCKPOT SIZE FOR LIQUID SOAP:

For this recipe size, I use a 4-quart crock pot (slow cooker), which I picked up at a local big-box store. Make sure to avoid slow cookers with non-stick or Teflon-coated interiors, as these materials can react negatively with lye.

SUPERFAT IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN BAR SOAP:

Liquid soap differs slightly from bar soap in that it requires a lower superfat—typically no higher than 3%. A higher superfat may cause the soap to develop an oily layer.

YOU’LL NEED TO USE MORE WATER IN YOUR RECIPE:

When making liquid soap, the water amount is higher than in bar soap recipes. You’ll need roughly three times the weight of potassium hydroxide in water.

IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO DILUTE SOAP PASTE ONLY WITH WATER AND/OR GLYCERIN:

To ensure your liquid soap has the longest shelf life, dilute the finished soap paste with water or a combination of water and glycerin.

Avoid diluting with herbal teas or milk, as these can cause the soap to spoil more quickly—unless they were cooked into the recipe, like in the Calendula & Coconut Liquid Soap below.

OILS ACT DIFFERENTLY IN LIQUID SOAP THAN BAR SOAP:

When creating your own liquid soap recipes, remember that the choice of oils affects the soap’s consistency.

Using more olive oil results in a thicker soap, while more coconut oil creates a thinner soap.

For a deeper dive into how different oils impact liquid soap, check out this informative post on the Soapmaking Forum.

YOU HAVE LOTS OF HERBAL OPTIONS:

“There are many herbs you can experiment with beyond the ones listed in the recipes below. You can easily substitute them or omit them entirely, using plain oils and water in place of infused oils and herbal teas.

I’m currently working on a resource to provide more detailed options, but in the meantime, here are a few herbs and flowers you might consider exploring:

  • Chamomile
  • Plantain
  • Calendula
  • Dandelion
  • Sunflower
  • Violet leaf”

MY WAY IS NOT THE ONLY WAY:

First and foremost, it’s important to note that this is how I make liquid soap—it’s just one of many methods, not necessarily the best or only method.

There are many fantastic resources available for learning how to make liquid soap. Here are a few to get you started:

  • Soapmaking Forum (I frequently recommend this site; it’s an invaluable resource for soapmakers.) – Liquid Soap & Cream Soap Forum
  • Ultimate HP Soap – 30-Minute Liquid Soap
  • Wholesale Supplies Plus – Learn to Make: Liquid Soap From Scratch
  • Modern Soapmaking – Easy & Quick Tips for Making Liquid Soap Successfully

A quick search for ‘liquid soap’ on any search engine will lead you to even more helpful information!

Liquid Soap Making Overview

Step 1:
Weigh the oils for your recipe and place them into a slow cooker. Turn the heat to high. If you’re using milk powder, briefly blend it into the combined oils using an immersion blender.

Step 2:
Place the distilled water or cooled herbal tea in a stainless steel or heatproof plastic container. While wearing gloves and goggles, weigh out the potassium hydroxide and carefully sprinkle it into the water. Stir well. It’s normal for the lye solution to make a crackling noise when it’s first mixed.

Step 3:
Turn the slow cooker’s heat to low, then pour in the lye solution. Hand stir the mixture for about 5 minutes to ensure it’s fully incorporated. After that, begin blending with your immersion blender. Blend for 1 minute, then allow the blender to rest for a few minutes before blending again for another minute. Avoid running the motor continuously to prevent burning it out. It may take anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes to reach trace.

Step 4:
Keep the heat on low, cover the slow cooker with its lid, and check the mixture every 20 to 30 minutes. Stir with a heatproof spoon or spatula. The soap will start to darken and develop gel-like spots, with other areas separating into clear or cloudy liquid. This is completely normal—just stir everything back together, replace the lid, and continue cooking.

Step 5:
After 1 to 2 hours, the soap batter should become thicker and more concentrated. Continue cooking for another 30 minutes to 1 hour, or until the soap is glossy and resembles Vaseline, as shown in the photo. The total cook time for liquid soap may vary between 2 to 4 hours, depending on the temperature settings of your slow cooker.

Step 6 (Optional):
To check if the soap is fully saponified, you can perform an old-fashioned zap test to ensure there’s no residual lye.

To do this, scoop out 1 teaspoon (5 ml) of soap paste and allow it to cool to a safe, comfortable temperature. Mix the cooled paste with 1 teaspoon (5 ml) of distilled water. Dip your fingertip into the diluted paste and taste it with just the tip of your tongue (don’t swallow the soap!). If it gives your tongue a zapping or electric feeling, the soap needs more cooking. If it just tastes like soap without any zappy sensation, the soap is ready. Be sure to rinse your mouth thoroughly with cold water afterward.

If you’d prefer not to taste the soap but are still unsure, you can turn off the slow cooker, keep the soap covered, and let it sit for 6 hours or overnight to finish the saponification process on its own before proceeding with the next steps of the recipe.

Step 7:
Store the soap paste in covered jars if you want to dilute small amounts at a time. This method extends the shelf life of the undiluted soap paste, which can last for several years. If you choose to dilute the entire batch at once, the shelf life will be shorter. The pH of finished diluted soap typically ranges from 9 to 10.5, and because of its natural alkalinity, it generally doesn’t require a preservative for home use—provided it’s diluted with only distilled water or vegetable glycerine. However, those who sell liquid soap or prefer extra protection often add a preservative like Liquid Germall Plus. I personally don’t add preservatives to my soap, but it’s your choice.

Step 8:
To determine the starting dilution amount, weigh the fully cooked soap paste and multiply the weight by 0.2 (20%) to find how much glycerine you need. Then, multiply the weight by 0.8 (80%) to figure out how much distilled water is required.

For example, if your soap batch weighs 30 ounces (850 g), you would need 6 oz (170 g) glycerine and 24 oz (680 g) distilled water.
If you prefer to dilute a smaller amount, such as 4 ounces of paste, you’d need 0.8 oz (23 g) glycerine and 3.2 oz (91 g) distilled water.

If you don’t have glycerine or choose not to use it, simply substitute more distilled water in its place.

Step 9:
Combine the glycerine and distilled water in a deep stainless steel saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the soap paste to the boiling mixture, stirring gently to ensure the paste is covered by the liquid. Then, cover the pan and turn off the heat, leaving it on the still-hot burner. Allow the mixture to cool to room temperature, stirring occasionally and mashing with a fork, spatula, or potato masher to break up any lumps.

Repeat the boiling and cooling process 1 to 2 more times, allowing the soap paste to dissolve completely. Don’t rush this step or stir too vigorously, as the process takes time. Leave the mixture at room temperature for 2 to 3 days, stirring occasionally, until the paste is fully dissolved.

Step 10:
To add fragrance, gently warm the soap one last time, but do not allow it to simmer or boil. Once the soap is warmed (around 100°F), stir in the essential oil. To calculate the right amount, use 1% of the total diluted soap weight. For example, if you have 8 ounces (237 ml) of diluted soap, you would use 0.08 ounces or about 2.4 ml of essential oil, which is approximately ½ teaspoon. You can also use EO Calc for more precise measurements.

Some essential oils, such as lavender, blend well into liquid soap, while others may cause cloudiness or separation. If this is the case, you might want to use a solubilizer to keep the essential oils mixed evenly. A future article will go into more detail on adding essential oils to liquid soap.

Step 11:
Pour the diluted soap into jars using a fine mesh strainer to catch any undissolved lumps. Let the soap sit undisturbed for several days so it can settle and clear. While the soap can technically be used immediately, giving it time to rest will improve its clarity.

Liquid Soap Recipes

Here are two recipes to kick off your liquid soapmaking journey. You can also check out the Dandelion & Honey Liquid Soap recipe already published on my site. Use the Soapee Calculator, the tips shared earlier in this article, and your creativity to experiment and create your own unique liquid soap recipes!

CALENDULA & COCONUT LIQUID SOAP

This soap captures the essence of sunshine in a jar, thanks to the bright yellow color from calendula flower-infused coconut oil. For added nourishment and appeal, I included a small amount of coconut milk powder in the oils, but you can also use cow or goat milk powder, or skip it altogether. Just keep in mind that milk powders should be used in small amounts for liquid soap to avoid scorching during the long cook time.

It’s important not to dilute soap paste with fresh milk, as it can spoil easily. For more on how to make calendula-infused oil, check out my article on Calendula Oil & Salve.

Yield: 60 ounces (1.7 kg) of diluted soap

Ingredients:

  • 13.75 oz (390 g) distilled water
  • 4.63 oz (131 g) potassium hydroxide (3% superfat)
  • 8 oz (227 g) calendula-infused coconut oil (40%)
  • 3 oz (85 g) castor oil (15%)
  • 9 oz (255 g) high oleic sunflower oil (45%)
  • 1/2 tsp coconut milk powder
  • Up to 6 oz (170 g) vegetable glycerine, for dilution (or more distilled water)
  • Up to 24 oz (680 g) distilled water, for dilution
  • Equal amounts of orange and grapefruit essential oils (see step 10 in the Liquid Soap Making Overview for how to calculate essential oil amounts)

Directions:

  1. In a stainless steel or heatproof plastic container, place the distilled water. Wearing gloves and goggles, weigh out the potassium hydroxide and carefully add it to the water. Stir well and set the lye solution aside.
  2. Weigh the coconut, castor, and sunflower oils into a slow cooker. Blend in the coconut milk powder using an immersion blender. Turn the heat to low, then pour in the lye solution. Alternate between blending with the immersion blender and stirring by hand until trace is reached.
  3. Keep the heat on low, cover the slow cooker with the lid, and check every 30 minutes. Stir with a heatproof spoon or spatula. Continue cooking for approximately 2 to 3 hours.
  4. Store the paste in covered jars. Follow the dilution and scenting guidelines in the full Liquid Soap Making Overview.

HEMP & PLANTAIN LIQUID SOAP

This soap combines plantain-infused coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil, and nourishing hemp oil for a truly unique blend. It’s lightly scented with lavender essential oil, though you can skip the scent for a more natural version.

Note: I used rich, unrefined hemp seed oil from Mountain Rose Herbs to give the soap a subtle green hue. However, hemp seed oil has a shorter shelf life, so it’s best to use this soap within 4 to 6 months. Over time, the green hue may fade to a brownish color, though the soap remains effective and fragrant. I’ve had a jar of this recipe for over a year, and it’s still good, but the color has changed.

Yield: 60 ounces (1.7 kg) diluted soap

Ingredients:

  • 13.75 oz (390 g) distilled water
  • 4.63 oz (131 g) potassium hydroxide (2% superfat)
  • 7 oz (198 g) plantain-infused coconut oil (35%)
  • 2 oz (57 g) castor oil (10%)
  • 6 oz (170 g) extra virgin olive oil (30%)
  • 4 oz (113 g) high oleic sunflower oil (20%)
  • 1 oz (28 g) unrefined hemp or avocado oil (5%)
  • Up to 6 oz (170 g) vegetable glycerine, for dilution (or more distilled water)
  • Up to 24 oz (680 g) distilled water, for dilution
  • Lavender essential oil (see step 10 in the Liquid Soap Making Overview for how to calculate essential oil amounts)

Directions:

  1. Place the distilled water in a stainless steel or heatproof plastic container. Wearing gloves and goggles, carefully weigh out the potassium hydroxide and sprinkle it into the water. Stir well, and set the lye solution aside.
  2. Weigh the coconut, castor, olive, sunflower, and hemp oils into a slow cooker. Turn the heat to low, then pour in the lye solution. Alternate between using an immersion blender and stirring by hand until trace is reached.
  3. Keep the heat on low, cover the slow cooker with the lid, and check every 30 minutes. Stir with a heatproof spoon or spatula. Continue cooking for approximately 2 to 3 hours.
  4. Store the soap paste in covered jars. Follow the dilution and scenting guidelines in the full Liquid Soap Making Overview.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, making your own liquid soap allows for creative freedom in selecting nourishing oils, natural ingredients, and essential oils to customize the formula to your needs. With the right ingredients, like plantain-infused coconut oil, hemp oil, or calendula, and careful attention to the cooking and dilution process, you can create a luxurious, natural soap that’s both effective and gentle on the skin.

By following the detailed steps provided in the soapmaking process—from creating the lye solution to diluting the soap paste—you’ll be able to craft a product that suits your preferences. Whether you want a soothing lavender scent, a bright, sunny color from calendula, or a gentle, unscented bar, homemade liquid soap offers a unique, customizable experience. Remember that patience is key, and each batch will have its own characteristics, including color changes over time depending on the oils used.

So, whether you’re making soap for personal use or as a creative gift, the process is both rewarding and satisfying. Happy soapmaking!

197 BEST DAD JOKES THAT ARE ACTUALLY QUITE AMUSING

Ever heard a joke so bad, it’s actually kind of good? That’s the magic of dad jokes. These groan-worthy puns and cheesy one-liners are a beloved tradition, often delivered with a straight face and a twinkle in the eye. While they may not win any comedy awards, dad jokes have a unique ability to bring a smile to even the most serious faces. Get ready to cringe, chuckle, and maybe even groan a little as we dive into a collection of 197 of the best dad jokes that are actually quite amusing.

DAD JOKES ABOUT VACATION

  • Why don’t oysters go on vacation? Because they’re shellfish!
  • Why do cows love vacation? Because they can moo-ve freely!
  • Why did the math book go to the beach? To work on its tan!
  • What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time, no sea!
  • Why did the computer go to the beach? To surf the net!

DAD JOKES ABOUT DRINKS

  • Why did the coffee call the cops? It got mugged!
  • What type of coffee does a vampire drink? Decoffin-ated!
  • How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his tea before it was cool!
  • How does a coffee bean hit on someone? “Hey brew-tiful!”
  • Why is coffee so good at solving mysteries? Because it always has a latte clues!
  • What do you call a nervous cup of tea? Anxi-tea!
  • What’s coffee’s favorite type of music? R&Brew!
  • What do you call a sad cup of tea? Steeped in sorrow!
  • Why did the tea leaf avoid the hot water? It said, “I’m not ready to steep into that yet!”

DAD JOKES ABOUT READING

  • I’m reading a book about mazes. I got lost in it!
  • I’m reading a book about submarines. It’s super deep!
  • I’m reading a book about glue. I can’t seem to put it down!
  • I’m reading a book on clocks. It’s about time!
  • Let’s make a reservation at the library before they’re booked!
  • What’s a librarian’s favorite type of music? Shhh-mooth jazz!

DAD JOKES ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA

  • Why did the scarecrow join LinkedIn? Because he wanted to become outstanding in his field!
  • What did the dad say when he couldn’t log into his social media account? “Looks like I’ll have to face(book) the music!”
  • Why did the dad take a ladder to his Instagram profile? Because he heard it had a lot of posts!
  • What do you call someone who gets easily annoyed in the comments section? An insta-grump.

DAD JOKES ABOUT FAMILIES

  • My son has his BA and his MA, but his P­A still supports him.
  • My daughter’s fourth birthday was today. When she came to see me, I didn’t recognize her at first. I had never seen her be four.
  • I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.

DAD JOKES ABOUT CHORES

  • I’m really not into spring cleaning. Come to think of it, I’m not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.
  • I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I could really see myself doing.
  • When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
  • My wife and I were having an argument about whose turn it was to do the laundry. In the end, I threw in the towel.

CHEESY DAD JOKES

  • Why are pirates called pirates? They just ARRRR!
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
  • Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears.
  • Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

CORNY DAD JOKES

  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
  • Why can’t a leopard hide? He’s always spotted.
  • What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  • Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
  • What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

DAD JOKES ABOUT TECHNOLOGY

  • What was the spider doing on the computer? He was making a web-site.
  • What did the computer have during his break time? He had a byte!
  • What shoes do computers love the most? Re-boots.
  • Why did the computer go to the dentist? To get his Bluetooth checked.

DAD JOKES THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

  • I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
  • I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
  • I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.

DAD JOKES ABOUT HOUSES

  • How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
  • Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can’t jump.
  • If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.

DAD JOKES THAT MAKE YOU THINK

  • I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I guess I should have put it on aloha setting.
  • Don’t trust Adams. They make up everything.
  • What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

DAD JOKES ABOUT LOVE

  • We’re not socks. But I think we’d make a great pair.
  • Do you like vegetables? Because I love you from my head tomatoes.
  • Never laugh at your significant other’s choices — because you happen to be one of them.

DAD JOKES ABOUT SUMMER

  • What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.
  • What do you call a Golden Retriever at the beach? A hot dog.
  • Why don’t fish go on summer vacation? Because they’re always in schools.

DAD JOKES ABOUT LAZINESS

  • Don’t get mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything.
  • Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.” Interviewee: “Lazy.”
  • Want to hear a joke about procrastination? I’ll tell you later.

DAD JOKES ABOUT CARS

  • What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas? A Ford Siesta.
  • I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
  • What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S? Automobile.

DAD JOKES ABOUT MONEY

  • Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
  • Where does 007 invest his money? In the bond market.
  • What did the comedian say when he walked into the bank? This is a standup.

DAD JOKES ABOUT MUSIC

  • What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.
  • What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
  • What kind of music does a boulder like? Rock ‘n’ roll.
  • Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

DAD JOKES ABOUT BOOKS

  • What has a spine but no bones? A book.
  • What would happen if you threw all the books in the ocean? It would cause a title wave.
  • Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.

DAD JOKES ABOUT PARENTHOOD

  • “Today my son asked me, ‘Can I have a bookmark’? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!”
  • What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”
  • When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

DAD JOKES ABOUT FATHER’S DAY

  • What did the baby computer say to its dad on Father’s Day? Happy Father’s Day, Data!
  • Why don’t they have Father’s Day sales? Because fathers are priceless.
  • Why did the kids give their dad a blanket for Father’s Day? Because they thought he was the coolest dad.

DAD JOKES ABOUT WORK

  • Why did the construction workers always bring a pencil to lunch? They wanted to draw their own conclusions!
  • Why did the sandwich get a promotion? Because he was the best thing since sliced bread.
  • Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? They took a day off.
  • I used to work for the paper business. But then it folded.
  • I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out nobody thought I was fare.

DAD JOKES ABOUT HAIRCUTS

  • How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
  • “Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”

DAD JOKES THAT PROVOKE A GOOD-NATURED EYE ROLL

  • I recently visited the “World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine” exhibit. Honestly, not a big fan.
  • How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

DAD JOKES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

  • My wife found a spider in our house and told me to take it out, so I did. We had a few drinks, pretty nice guy.
  • My wife screamed, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?!” What a weird place to start a conversation.
  • My wife is mad I keep introducing her as my “ex-girlfriend”. So I went with “ex-fiancé” instead.
  • Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
  • Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.

DAD JOKES ABOUT BEING OLD

  • What is a prize old people can win for aging? Atrophy.
  • Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck…
  • Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

DAD JOKES ABOUT GETTING OLDER

  • How is the moon like dentures? Both come out at night.
  • What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays? Retired.
  • If you lose something in a senior care home, don’t stop looking until you’ve searched every nook and granny.
  • An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “Do I come here often?”

DAD JOKES ABOUT BODY & MIND

  • Dad: Well, you know what they say, the memory is the second thing to go. Son: What’s the first? Dad: I forget.
  • Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.
  • I told my doctor I could only hear buzzing. He said don’t worry, it’s just a bug going around.

DAD JOKES ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

  • What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Can’t elope.
  • Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.
  • Did you hear about the two florists who got married? It was an arranged marriage.
  • Two cannonballs got married this morning. I hear they’re already expecting BBs.
  • I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.

DAD JOKES ABOUT WEDDINGS

  • I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.
  • My antenna married my neighbor’s antenna. The wedding was not so good as this one, but the reception was fantastic!

DAD JOKES ABOUT CANDLES

  • Do you know why I get heartburn when I eat birthday cake? I always forget to blow out the candles!
  • Why do people put birthday candles on top of a birthday cake? Because you can’t put them on the bottom, can you?!
  • What kind of candle burns longer than others? None, silly — they all burn shorter.
  • Why do candles love birthdays? They like to get lit.

DAD JOKES FOR BIRTHDAYS

  • What happens if no one turns up to your birthday party? You get to have you cake and eat it, too.
  • Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any of its birthday cake? Because it was already stuffed!
  • Why don’t kids remember their past birthday parties? They’re too focused on the present!
  • What type of party do you throw for a dog’s birthday? A ball.
  • What are you if you go to a ghost birthday party? The life of the party!

DAD JOKES ABOUT SPORTS

  • Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball? If he raises them both, he’d fall down.
  • Where does a majority of a hockey player’s salary come from? The tooth fairy.
  • I kept wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
  • What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
  • Why don’t football players were glasses? It’s a contact sport.
  • Why couldn’t the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.
  • What’s the best animal in soccer? A score-pion.

DAD JOKES ABOUT ANIMALS

  • Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby? Because she was a little horse.
  • What do you say when a chicken is looking at salad? Chicken sees a salad.
  • What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
  • Where would you find an elephant? The same place you lost her.
  • What’s a dog’s favorite super hero? Labra-Thor.
  • What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
  • A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. “I am a turtle,” he says. “Who’s on your back?” “That’s Michelle.”
  • Why aren’t dogs allowed in bars? Because they can’t control their licker.
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

DAD JOKES FOR KIDS

  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  • I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
  • Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.
  • I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels. She said, “Yes, try Sarah Topps.”
  • What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
  • What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
  • Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  • I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey…. but I turned myself around.

DAD JOKES ABOUT FOOD

  • Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables. I said that’s not nececelery true.
  • My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk!
  • Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!
  • What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?
  • What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  • I tried all morning to cook up an egg-related pun, but I couldn’t crack it.
  • How do you make an apple turnover? Push it downhill.

FUNNY DAD JOKES

  • What do you call a Frenchman who has been attacked by a cat? Claude.
  • My 6-year-old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill. Looks like she’s preparing some kind of barbie queue.
  • How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Easy, one will see you later, the other will see you in a while.

SILLY DAD JOKES

  • What has five toes but isn’t your foot? My foot.
  • What looks like half a tree? The other half.
  • Two guys walked into a bar… the third one ducked.
  • Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.

WORST DAD JOKES THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

  • Have you heard of the new sport called quiet tennis? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
  • Why did the god of thunder need to stretch his legs? He was a little Thor.
  • What’s the least spoken language? Sign language.
  • What building in your town has the most stories? The public library.
  • Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I’m going to the beer store and I’m scared it will be closed.
  • If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

CRINGIEST DAD JOKES

  • Did you hear the joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tear-able.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh, sheet.
  • What was even more useful than the first telephone? The second telephone.
  • I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
  • Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

PUNNIEST DAD JOKES

  • Son: “Dad, can you please explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” Dad: “No sun.”
  • Why did the man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.
  • I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to win. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
  • Where do you take someone who’s been in a peek-a-boo accident? The ICU.
  • Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but debris.
  • How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

BEST DAD JOKES THAT ARE ACTUALLY (KIND OF) FUNNY

  • As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
  • Went to the bar tonight. Good times. Only a 15-minute walk. But the walk home took 45 minutes, the difference was staggering.
  • I recently took a pole. And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

RANDOM DAD JOKES

  • Why don’t skeletons get out of town during the Halloween season? They don’t have the guts!
  • Why was the math book upset? It had too many problems.
  • How do you put together a space party? You planet.
  • What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta
  • I wish I could tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.
  • Why don’t airplanes ever get lost? Because they always wing it!
  • Why did the ghosts go to the party? It was all for the boos.
  • I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
  • I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
  • Why did the bicycle go to bed so early? It was two-tired!
  • Why are scientists so skeptical of atoms? Because they make up everything!